Processing Pain

Pain.

Like every emotion, people experience it in different ways.

Most people cry, others shout or do the screaming in their heads, take a walk, sink into a hug or suffer an endless loop of “What IFs”.

But I do not know for sure how I process it.

Sometimes, I cry.

At other times, I scream.

Many a time, I just leave the crowd and want to be alone.

But for sure, the endless loop of “What IFs” is the most painful for me, because I do not have the “stop” button. Even when I say I am fine, every new scene comes with a new pain, for areas where I think I am culpable, comes with a new sin.

I do not want to hear the “Sorry” or “Pele” but still feel a bit awkward when I do not get them. The paradox can drown me.

And most of the times, the vulnerable me is left for the few who know that there is a smudge behind the smile.

I do not know how I process pain. I don’t like that I do not know. I like to know. Maybe if I at least know how I do, I will do better at wielding the force it carries towards the light in the tunnel on the other side because this confusion makes me sink deeper.

And I do not want to go deeper.